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I clearly remember your odor,
I clearly remember your smile,
The look in your eyes,
The way you bite on your lower lip.
How you walk a bit strangely,
You said that’s how you walk freely,
But I loved it right away.
How your hand lingered on my shoulders,
The deeper breathing as you lay still.
How many times I checked are you asleep
Before I got used to it.
Your funny laughter,
Your presence in my house,
Your way of holding a cigarette
In fingers you used to call ugly.
Nights we spent talking and watching movies,
None of them were romantic,
But that’s what I loved about you.
I studied your scars,
Worried about your health,
Considered your desires,
I fell in love.
Oh, it happened so fast,
The emotions when I met you…
It took a moment to know that
You are the one I need in my life.
It took an hour to know that I like you.
It took a day to fall in love.
My emotions took over, they overflowed
I barely got them together.
I did it, but I did it too late.
Well, I messed up… I did it myself.
I got carried away and forgot the weight on my life.
Didn’t think it will scare you away.
I never thought that someone like you will show up in my life,
That once again I will be able to have those emotions.
No, not like that, not this way.
I hoped you will stay the same,
I hoped you will still be here,
But you threw me away… Suddenly.
I hoped that I will never need to lock up my heart again.
Thank you for returning me to reality.
Thank you for crashing me from inside.
Now I can lock the emotions I have for you
Away in a box and throw it away.
For a while I’ll be soulless, for a moment lost,
For a grand time emotionless and locked.
But the moment you’ll realize what you lost,
I will be somewhere at the top,
Without a care for you, even thought,
I clearly know, I’ll be praying not to step back
And give myself in your hands again.
There is a mess in my head,
There is a thing I don’t understand,
There is a question in my head –
What’s going on in your mind.

You say one thing, but act the opposite.
What do you even want from me?
What do you expect?
I try to keep my distance, I try to move it slowly
Just as you asked.

But then you just kill me with the act of MY man.
Who the hell are you!?
What do you want?
It’s unlike me to have questions like that.
I met him accidentally. He was a bartender at an erotic exhibition. He was kind of cute and interesting, so I asked for his number. He didn’t refuse, but he didn’t give it right away too. He gave me an unsure answer to come a couple of more times and then I’ll get it. Well, I wanted to get it so I came. Then I got lucky and met him outside smoking with a friend who immediately gave me his number. That’s how it began.
Thanks to his friend we ended up spending the rest of the night together at a pub. I quickly was aware, that I liked him, which happened rarely with me (to be certain – 2 times before), but he was just out of a serious relationship, so I knew that I will end up hurt as hell and I’ll end up wanting to lock away my emotions. He only proved it when I asked him how bad it is that I like him. Sure he said it’s good on one side, but on the other he clearly said that he doesn’t want to get in a relationship and I can understand that, it took me a year to recover from a break up and finally want a new relationship. So we ended up somewhat like friends with benefits… Although the relationship was nothing like that I guess. Another reason why I knew that it’s going to hurt as hell.
Well, I sure hoped that eventually it will grow into something and I liked how easily everything was. I had the freedom, I enjoyed the time we spent together (I can’t even remember with who it was so great) and I didn’t have to deal with drama, which I had in my last relationship. But there was a problem… If I could explain the feelings that made me want to make him my boyfriend… It’s not that I was against the thing we had, but I wanted something more than being friends with him, I was sick and tired of the relationship like friends with benefits by the year I spent recovering from my last break up… I wanted to belong to someone, to have someone who will one day wait me home after tiring day and hug me, and I finally met someone whom I want to belong to… It’s hurting as hell knowing, the moment this relationship is going to shatter into small pieces, the moment I will have to let you go… The moment I will watch you walk away in the hands of another who will be the right for you, at the right moment, who will not be me. Fuck.
Have you ever been so angry that you are at the urge to cry? Desperately trying to hold back, stop the shaking hands and sobs which are trying to break through? Hope that no one will notice it?

I have.

As I am sitting and writing this, I try to hold back the tears, which is hardly possible, and calm down. For a person like me, who hardly ever gets angry, this state is the worse.

If I look back on the things which happened and got me angry, they are so unimportant that I get even angrier. And for a while I have this state where I get my blood rush faster for small things.

Well, I don’t give a care in the world. I don’t want to, because ether way I will die so I just want to enjoy what I can.

Now I am calm, as my thought rush through my view on life and see the goal which I desperately try to reach, and I lift myself up on tiptoes with hope to reach it, but I am still too small and there is a long road ahead.

I look through mind like a book, sure I got angry before, these unimportant things and people around, what they do and say, it’s a huge distraction which I never want to care about.

But the force they put in every little thing to ruin me and my plans, it’s huge and it happens to shaken me. I hate that.

Before I was called coldhearted and ungrateful. I never said anything on my mind, sure thing I was frozen from the inside. That was a great time for sure.

Now I am ungrateful and a bitch. Well, now I may say something that’s on my mind.

Oh, and I am ungrateful for a person who’s thinking goes something like this – Let me give you some sandwich.  - Oh, thank you!

- You are ungrateful; I gave you so much, but never received anything in return! And for the only time (which is most likely more than one time) when I ask you to buy this inexpensive (at least 8 times expensier) dinner at this restaurant you say no!

Well, sorry you gave me something and sorry I don’t want to repay you like this, sorry I don't have the money. That’s actually funny; the person remembers how many times I was given something materialistic and never remembers how I have helped when it was needed.

Uh, now I have come to the end of this absurd story if you can call it like that. Never got any point in it, never even cared, but this is how I can calm down.

So have you ever been so angry that you are at the urge to cry?
It's been a while of new journal from me and I haven't been very active for a while already so sorry guys!!

At the moment I am studying in medical collage and have a lot to learn, but I hope that there will be some time soon that I will submit something.

And I noticed that it's been already 5 years since I joined dA!!!


Five years!! Can u believe it!? I hope I still have those who loves my stories and at least someone still remembers me...

Even thought I can poorly be called an author for now. ^^;
  • Mood: Tearful
  • Reading: The Nervous sistem
  • Watching: Criminal Minds
  • Drinking: Black Tea

deviantID

MikaMika13
Ketija
Artist | Hobbyist | Varied
Latvia
Favourite genre of music: Mmm... Rock I guess..
Favourite cartoon character: Hinata, Shizuma and Chikane (They look good thogether)
Personal Quote: You said you read me like a book but the pages are all torn and frayed
Interests

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Comments


Add a Comment:
 
:iconississ-perok:
Ississ-Perok Featured By Owner Apr 28, 2015  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks for joining :iconcreate-your-story: !!!

I hope you are able to gain a lot from the group and can happily share your work!
Reply
:iconjackofalltrades0097:
jackofalltrades0097 Featured By Owner Apr 19, 2015  Hobbyist General Artist
:hugs: Thank you for joining Authors-Club!   We are so glad to have you join our group and adding our work to our collection! 

On behalf of the group, here's just a little bit of information as to what we're about! :


-- We support the literature community of Deviant Art by creating a safe, creative atmosphere for artists to come together and make connections with one another.

-- Are you a little lost as to how to get involved in the writing side of DA? Take a look at this helpful guide, How to get started with the Lit Community.  It's got some wonderful advice and has helped many a deviant get their feet wet, so to speak, in the lit world!

-- If you'd like to submit to the Critique Folder, please be sure to check out  this journal to see our guidelines!

-- Before you start submitting, please familiarize yourself with our Submission Rules! This is just to make sure everyone's on the same page as far as contributing work goes, and helps keep the group running smoothly!

Again, thank you so much for joining our club! If you need anything at all, do not be afraid to ask! Wither it be about our club, or even about the going on's in Deviant Art!  

I hope that you enjoy this group and if at any time you have questions, concerns, or ideas please contact me jackofalltrades0097 , or any of the other admin!  We're here to help!
Reply
:iconmikamika13:
MikaMika13 Featured By Owner Apr 20, 2015  Hobbyist General Artist
Thank you for the information!! 
Reply
:iconskunkmessiah:
Skunkmessiah Featured By Owner May 14, 2013
... I'm not O. K. :iconmusicnoteplz:
Reply
:iconhaneneanwarali:
HaneneAnwarAli Featured By Owner May 10, 2013  Student Traditional Artist
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MIKA-CHA~~N!!!
Reply
:iconhinatathebloom1:
Hinatathebloom1 Featured By Owner May 10, 2013
Hi there you've been hugged..by meeee!!
Send one to all your friends who you think deserve a hug (which, hopefully includes the person who sent it to you)!!

You might send it to your enemies as well!
It'll really make them stop and think!!!

If you don't receive this back, nobody likes you, and they wish you'd stop bugging them!

If you receive this back 1 time, open up! Find more friends, enemies, or enemies pretending to be friends

If you receive this back 2 times, you're off to a good start! (Unless you sent it to yourself! That's cheating!)

If you receive this back 3 times, you're a good friend.

If you receive this back 4 times, you're truly loved as a friend!!

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YOU'VE BEEN HUGGED!

Spread the DA love around! (you can copy and paste this message on their userpage!)

RULES:
1- You can hug the person who hugged you!
2- You -MUST- hug 6 other people, at least!
3- You should hug them in public! Paste it on their user page!
4- Random hugs are perfectly okay! (and sweet)
5- You should most definitely get started hugging right away!
Reply
:iconhaneneanwarali:
HaneneAnwarAli Featured By Owner May 9, 2013  Student Traditional Artist
Happy Early Birthday, Mika-Chan~!!
Reply
:iconmikamika13:
MikaMika13 Featured By Owner Sep 7, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Thank you SO much!! And I am sorry for such a late reply. ^^;
Reply
:iconakarisaku-chan:
AkariSaku-chan Featured By Owner Apr 2, 2013
Hello!
Saku-chan speaking here. I'm one of the Co-Founders from the group :iconsasuxhina-fanfic-fc:.
We'd just like to inform you that a SasuHina Fanfic Contest, hosted by our Founder *Kohaya7Kae-13 will be starting by April 10th.
There will be premium+point as prizes.
Please read and leave a comment on this journal: [link] and mention that you are active in the group and if you might participate or not.
Thank you for your time!
Reply
:iconharukahibikichibi:
HarukaHibikiChibi Featured By Owner Mar 12, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks so much for faving my fic :heart:
Reply
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