Heartless loner

Heartless loner.

Some people call me heartless… Why? Because there are small count of people who has seen me crying. Even if something really bad has happened, I don't let my tears out. Of course I smile and laugh but I don't let my true feelings show on outside. I think it's pointless and I hate lament, which people give when horrible things happen.

My sister thinks I am heartless because usually, when something happens to our dear person, I don't cry… But how can I cry, when everyone around me are crying!? On who else's shoulder they will be able to cry, if all of them will cry!?  I always think that I should be the strong one, to hold my tears so they will be able to cry on my shoulder!

In the end I turn out the bad one, because I didn't cry… Because I am cold, heartless and emotionless… But I don't care… I let them think that way because it's easier… And I like it – no one gives me the pity look, no one worries about me, no one cares about me… And that's great, because then they have more strength to think about themselves, more power to pity themselves.

Still I am scared… I know that there will come the time when I will break down to the ground crying with all I got and I hope that no one will be with me then… I don't want anyone to see the moment when I will lose myself and I am sure, that no one will see it as nobody really cares about me.

I am confused, because I don't get myself. I don't want anyone to get close to me still sometimes I get the feeling that I want someone who will care about me… That's horrible! I hate myself for that!! And even if I accept the fact, that I need someone, I can't find anyone who will be able to break down all the walls just to find out who I am… They give up too easily and that's why I better stop thinking these silly things…

I don't want to hope for things like that anymore. When someone finally starts to fight for me, I get my hopes up, but then they give up and my hope dies. It hurts so much… Too much and I can't handle it anymore…

I'm a loner, I always was and will be, but sometimes even a loner wish for someone to break the walls and hold his hand when there is nothing else a loner can hold on to anymore. Those moments we wish for a friend, a boyfriend, a girlfriend, a family, a sister, a brother, a mother, a father, a dog, a cat or anyone who could be there, just sit beside and give a sign that he knows, you are there and it's all that is needed.

The hardest part of it is to accept the fact that even I need someone who will be beside me and the problem is that only few people can do it. I may be difficult, hard to handle, independent, hard to approach, too suspicious, too naïve, an actress, a weakling, a loner, strange, full of things which you will never understand, yet, even I need someone. Someone who can be there with me, the me who should not hide her true self. If you can't handle me at my worst you for sure don't deserve me at my best.

Being heartless loner is hard, but I can't, don't want to and will not change, because I am who I am and if you can't accept me the way I am you can walk past me and pretend that you didn't notice me. It would be nice…

So stop all that crap about being my friend, when you don't get me, when you don't believe in things which I do, when you don't trust me, when you pretend to be by my side, when you act as if you care, because I am a heartless loner… I don't need all that if you don't really feel like you want to be by my side. Stop it, because I don't want to get my hopes up and then see them dying once again.

I am a heartless loner and I can handle everything by myself as I don't need people to fight for me if they give up so easily…